I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Mom said you looked used
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
