i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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