took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she smelled like a LAN party
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
