ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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