im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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