We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
