I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
