New invention idea: vibrating tampons
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
