Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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