So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
