He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
