mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
