hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
