You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
