You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
