I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
