to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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