Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
