she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's like iHOP with fire
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
