I am spending my child support on dildos
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
