I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
