I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
