I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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