We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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