if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
