i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
