I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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