Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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