i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
