i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
