The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
