its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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