i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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