Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me the toilet please
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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