Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
