perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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