Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
