I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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