shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
