We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
