I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
