I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
