Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
