What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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