Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
