all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
