Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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