So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
