my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
