We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry my hands just texted you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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