Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
