can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
