I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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