Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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