I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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