picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
