we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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