Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
