Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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