The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
